She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
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So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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