The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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