As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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