My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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