I like my sex mixed with concussions.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
