A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
