Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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