I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
