Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Dicks are not precious.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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