Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
