I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
