just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
