I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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