Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I currently don't understand fingers.
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