It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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