So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
