I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
