I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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