tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
