I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
