So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
