I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
