Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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