k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
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I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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