I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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