Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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