guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
