He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's just like the Real World with babies
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
