Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
