I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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