Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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