OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
