the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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