he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
