Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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