Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
