**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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