I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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