I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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