I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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