my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
