Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
