my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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