You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
