pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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