You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
