oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
