if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
