Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
