hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
