sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
