the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
