You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
