I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
