Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
