i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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