i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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