Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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