rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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