I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
