Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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