I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
