They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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